Open Letter

by Santiago Adkins

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.

    High quality artwork included with album download!

      name your price

     

  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    Hand-assembled CD-R in plastic sleeve with 4-panel booklet and perhaps a surprise!

    Includes unlimited streaming of Open Letter via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 3 days
    edition of 96 

      $5 USD or more 

     

1.
2.
03:07
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
04:27
9.
10.
05:18
11.
12.
13.
03:28
14.

credits

released June 10, 2016

All tracks written, performed, recorded, produced, mixed, and mastered by Santiago Adkins.

Photography by Meester Fahrenheit, design by Santiago Adkins.

Illustration by The Artist BAYNE.

For us and for our tragedy...

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

Santiago Adkins San Diego, California

contact / help

Contact Santiago Adkins

Streaming and
Download help

Track Name: God Forbid (Intro)
God forbid
that I'd live for myself.
God forbid
I don't trust anyone else.
God forbid
I'd take my time with it all.
God forbid
that I'd break my own fall.
God forbid
I'd know the rules to the game.
God forbid
I'd deign myself to play.
God forbid
I'd tell you how it is.
God forbid
You'd even listen to it.
'Cause god forbid
that I stick my neck out
to be beheaded by you or by doubt.
Track Name: Scars
I'm gonna kick your ass
with my fucking sass.
Slap you in the face
with my fucking bass.
Punch you in the gut
with my fucking grunt.
I'ma make you drown
in my fucking sound.

Gonna puke but I ain't gonna clean it up, no!
I'm gonna puke but I ain't gonna clean up, no!
I’ll make you puke but I ain't gonna clean it up;
you're gonna clean it up!
You're gonna clean it up!

You left a mess, you left a hole inside my sacred space.
You fucked it up, you made me shout from all your verbal mace.
You tried too hard but not enough, but that's just who you are.
You made a dent, you left a mark.
Now listen to my scar.

You told me "stupid, fat, faggot
you're a waste of space."
But I shut up, I didn't speak,
felt it wasn't my place.
You shook your head, though you were right;
but that's just who you are.
Now it's my turn to tell you just how evil you are.

Gonna puke but I ain't gonna clean it up, no!
I'm gonna puke but I ain't gonna clean up, no!
I’ll make you puke but I ain't gonna clean it up;
you're gonna clean it up!
You're gonna clean it up!

You left a mess, you left a hole inside my sacred space.
You fucked it up, you made me shout from all your verbal mace.
You tried too hard but not enough, but that's just who you are.
You made a dent, you left a mark.
Now listen to my scar.

I cut myself in stars. (x8)

You left a mess, you left a hole inside my sacred space.
You fucked it up, you made me shout from all your verbal mace.
You tried too hard but not enough, but that's just who you are.
You made a dent, you left a mark.
Now listen to my scar.
You left a bullet, left a hole inside my empty heart.
You fucked me up, you turned me cold and tore my soul apart.
You tried too hard but not enough, but that's just who you are.
You made a dent, you left a mark.
Now listen to my scar.
Now listen to my scar.
Now listen to my scars.
Now listen to my scars.
Track Name: Don't Tell Me (Interlude)
Don't tell me in not right.
Don't tell me I'm no good.
Don't tell I'm not real cause I'll show you.

Don't tell me to behave.
Don't tell them pay no mind.
Don't tell me I'm insane cause I told you.
Track Name: You're Already Dead
I can sell my body if I wanna!
god knows you've already sold your mind.
It doesn't matter 'cause nothing's real anyways.
Yeah, you're running just to fall behind.

'Cause you!
You're already dead!
You're already dead!
Get it while you can.

Speck of dust in the eye of the storm,
in the dark of the night... I'll still fight.
For the peace and for the truth.
For the rights, yeah, fuck the rules.
For the slain and for the sick
'cause nobody gives a shit!
But you'll always be a bump on a log.
Too scared or lazy to move along.
And then you'll blame me cause you can't take the truth of it.
But soon enough you'll realize that you’re…

Dead!
You're already dead!
You're already dead!
Get it while you can.
You!
You're already dead!
You're already dead!
Get it while you can!

Do you care?
Watch your head.
Do you care?
You're pretty much dead.
Do you care?
Do you wanna be released?
Do you care?
You're pretty much deceased.

You!
You're already dead!
You're already dead!
You're already dead!
And you!
You're already dead!
You're already dead!
You're already dead!

You!
You.

You!
You're already dead!
You're already dead!
Get it while you can.
Dead!
You're already dead!
You're already dead!
Get it while you can!
Track Name: Memories (Interlude)
I remember a time when I was fine.
And I remember a time when I could fly.
And I remember a time when I could cry.
And I remember a time when I was blind.
But I don’t remember anything since then.
Track Name: Everything is Embarrassing
Everything embarrasses me.
Everything I am, everything I do.
Everything embarrasses me.
Everything you do is embarrassing, too.
I just need to be cut free.
All of the time I never know how to be.
Fingers twisting,
jaw clenching,
neck stretching...
I feel like I might die.

Everything is embarrassing.
Everything is embarrassing.
Everything is embarrassing to me, oh!
Life is so discouraging.

But I am as simple as a string.
I am paralyzed by every sting.
Whirling downward spirals,
been falling for miles.
But I cannot let you go,
you're everything that I prayed for.
Please just punish me.
I just need to be clean.
Spit on me,
spit me out,
put me on a spit!
Consume me all till everything just turns to shit.

Everything is embarrassing.
Everything is embarrassing.
Everything is embarrassing to me, oh!
Life is so discouraging.

Go away little boy.
You're my bane little boy.
You're insane little boy.
Feel ashamed little boy.
Go away little boy!
You're to blame little boy!
You're insane little boy!
Feel ashamed little boy!

Wanna know how it would be
to make someone proud of me.

Everything is embarrassing.
Everything is embarrassing.
Everything is embarrassing to me, oh!
Life is so discouraging. (x2)
Track Name: Speak Easy (Interlude)
I was so lonely.
I was so hungry.
Adapting to factors.
Full up on crackers.

This body covered in scars and bruises;
arms and middle like a patchwork land.
Keep the pieces that you find suitable.
Who wants to hold this hand?
Track Name: Mother
White lights,
they cover up my senses.
I try to find,
instead I’m always hiding.
Are you ok?
Consuming all my regrets.
Maybe one day
I’ll wake up in time.

I age in retrograde.
More of a child everyday.
I am needing a mother;
please won't you stay? (x2)

Traveling in
directions I don't know and
I pray to god
that I will not late,
but he'll
hate me if I show at all.
I’m trying not to die,
just trying not to try.

I age in retrograde.
More of a child everyday.
I am needing a mother;
please won't you stay? (x2)

And now it's Mother's Day.
I wanna fade away.
And so she calls to me;
I wanna go, don't wanna stay.
But if I'm gone, who will remember?
So it’s just another thing that I will hide away.

I age in retrograde.
More of a child everyday.
I am needing a mother;
please won't you stay? (x4)

Hush little baby, don’t you cry.
Mama’s gonna see you when you die.
Track Name: Mother Pt. II
I’m sick and tired, oh,
but I’m not nearly dead.
I’ll live past my expiration.
Already past my expectation.
Just hanging on by a thread
of the apron strings
and so I sing:
I miss my mother daily.
I think it placates me.
Give me hope that someday we’ll meet again
in heaven or a room for waiting.
But in the meantime I sit and wonder
about all life has to offer.
Am I missing the good times?
Am I just trying to get by?
I think I’m sensitive and broken
since my youth was stolen,
but I’m older now.
I’m free to be me,
but I don’t know who I wanna be.
So I ponder mortality
and drink myself to sleep.
Not regrowth, but a action all the same.
I mean, I even chose my own name.
And that’s a start so I guess I’m on my way.
I can only go up from here.
No more need to be afraid.
Track Name: Why
Why does it seem like you're only happy when I'm not?
I think you are and that's what really makes my spirit drop.
The person I'm supposed to trust and put all of my faith in
can only smile when I'm crying and I feel like dying.
Maybe it's a trick or maybe I'm just sensitive.
But you really called me stupid and that's really offensive.
I could just slough it off but I'm really not that strong at all.
And you just pile on and on and so I hit a wall.

Why don't you care for me and why don't I care for myself?
It's not even like I want to be put on a shelf.
I just want to feel like a person while I'm still alive.
Why can't I find the strength to even just survive?

Assaults were mostly verbal but it still hurt the same
if you punched me in the face or if you called me a name.
And that's the thing I don't think you'll ever understand.
It's just so wrong and bad and mean and so damn underhanded.

Why don't you care for me and why don't I care for myself?
It's not even like I want to be put on a shelf.
I just want to feel like a person while I'm still alive.
Why can't I find the strength to even just survive?

I need to love myself just a little bit more.
I need to not care if you like me or not, oh.
And all I want is to feel serenity but
you'll flatten me daily till the casket's shut.

Why don't you care for me and why don't I care for myself?
It's not even like I want to be put on a shelf.
I just want to feel like a person while I'm still alive.
Why can't I find the strength to even just survive?

I wanna survive.
I must survive.
I will survive.
Fuck you,
I'll survive.
Track Name: Lady Lazarus (Interlude)
I'm the Lady Lazarus
but without a uterus.
Fighting for the right to live
again I've been exposed as this.
The oven was a friend of mine
but I can't afford the time
it would take for you to find me.
I'm dead inside.
But I'm not dying,
there is still so much to do
just to do in spite of you.
I'm spiteful and I'm angry, too.
I hate you and I want to leave you
but I don't have the strength today.
Can't just make you go away.
So I'll just think about the end
and fantasize about the sin.
Track Name: I'm Not Disposable
How did I end up in
a life so paper thin?
So many dreams I've had...
I think I might go mad.
But I know I must hold on
until I see the dawn,
just to prove to you
that you were wrong.

I try to tell a joke,
you turn your back and laugh at me.
I try to tell a joke,
don't laugh with, me just laugh at me.
I tell you how I feel,
you turn your back and laugh at me.
I tell you how I feel,
don't laugh with, me just laugh at me.

I'm not disposable
‘cause I am opposed to all
the things you want me to do.
I will not listen to you.
I don't care what you say
'cause you don't love me anyway.
I am just trying to find
how to speak my mind.

You wanna think it's your fault for
my obsession with cock?
Well that's pretty high and mighty.
A pivotal spot.
But is it nurture or nature?
Have you changed your mind?
Well just let me know
while you still have time.

I try to tell a joke,
you turn your back and laugh at me.
I try to tell a joke,
don't laugh with, me just laugh at me.
I tell you how I feel,
you turn your back and laugh at me.
I tell you how I feel,
don't laugh with, me just laugh at me.

I'm not disposable
‘cause I am opposed to all
the things you want me to do.
I will not listen to you.
I don't care what you say
'cause you don't love me anyway.
I am just trying to find
how to speak my mind.

I don't look for you.
Nor do I look to you.
I live my life completely in spite of you.
I'm starting back at zero.
Now I sleep through the night.
I'm no longer overwhelmed and you are not my plight.
And you are not my hero.
And you are not my friend.
Now that I'm free I no longer have to pretend.

I'm not disposable
‘cause I am opposed to all
the things you want me to do.
I will not listen to you.
I don't care what you say
'cause you don't love me anyway.
I am just trying to find
how to speak my mind. (x2)
Track Name: Open Letter
I've seen it black.
I've seen it white.
I've seen it any color you like.
I've seen it in.
I've seen it out.
I've seen it closeted, silently shouting...

Just to be safe
I'll state my case.
I'll let you know just how I am feeling.

I've seen it round.
I've seen it square.
I've seen it public pretending to care.
I've seen it wrong.
I've seen it right.
I've seen it home too tired to fight...

So tired of fighting.
Too hollow to care.
But I want you to know just how I am feeling.

My love for you,
it wanes quite steadily now.
I wish I knew just how I feel about it.
I never knew just how I feel about it,
but even if I did I'd never quite get over it. (x2)

Fraudulent,
Evasive,
Exclusive,
Legitimate,
Ironic,
Necrotic,
Generic:
My feelings.
Track Name: Sorry (Outro)
I've been so blind.
I've been so dumb.
I've been so inconsiderate.
I'm so selfish, though I try to not be.
I've hurt you.
I've hurt everyone.

Could Jesus forgive me?
Can you?